One For the Money (D)

“Unemployed and newly-divorced Stephanie Plum lands a job at her cousin’s bail-bond business, where her first assignment puts her on the trail of a wanted local cop from her romantic past.”

Now if any of that^ actually made sense, you should probably just stop reading. . . Also I should warn you, there are spoilers ahead.

All right, so the movie starts out with Stephanie Plum who has been out of work for 6 months. She is up to her neck in past due notices, about to be evicted and losses her little red sports car within the first 5 minutes of the movie. Then we meet Miss Plum’s family and find out that, in true cliche, she has an overly protective, meddlesome mother, a crazy grandmother, and a might-as-well-not-even-be-there-father. She is also, divorced, although said husband, or marriage is ever really discussed other than to serve as a set-up for Vinny, the creepy cousin. Oh, and to make us see Plum as an even bigger pathetic mess then we did before. No? All right so maybe it was just to set-up Plum as a down-on-her-luck woman about to come into her own? Ha! Not likely.

We should probably get something straight before I go on, I am NOT a fan of  Katherine Heigl‘s. Although a pretty girl, I can’t stand the characters she plays. Half-baked smart-successful women who for some reason can’t hold on to a man. Either that or overly emotional might-as-well-be-in-a-horror-movie, girly damsel in distress type that no one really cares about. I know it’s were the money’s at for her, and at this point, I doubt Tarantino, Jane Campion or even Woody Allen would be casting her. She goes where the money is, and I guess I can’t blame her for that. The truth is, someone has to star in these movies and might as well be someone we don’t have higher hopes for. (Harsh, I know, but whatcha going do?)

All right, so here’s a few (terrible) movie rules for you:  1) If the lead is a female, she must be somehow down on her luck. Either professionally or in her personal life, although both works too. 2)  The solution to her problems has to make absolutely no sense. 3) This leading lady cannot actually be any good at this “solution.” 4) There must be a MAN, who is also attractive, to help her make sense of things. 5) This “solution” must also present a problem. 6) The leading lady must always wear inappropriate clothing i.e. heels and mini skirts to chase down bad guys. 7) The leading lady might save the MAN, but in return he will save her right back. 8) In the end, no matter what, the MAN and LADY end up together. So those are the rules for Romantic Comedies, BAD female Comedies, and just about any Michael Bay movie. Oh and just in case you hadn’t guessed it, One For the Money follows this exact formula.

One For the Money

So after blacking mailing her cousin Vinny into giving her the Joe Morelli bond, Stephanie meets the very attractive ex-bounty hunter turned personal security expert, Ranger. He points out the obvious and tells Plum that she is out of her league with Morelli. Then, he buys her a gun and teaches her how to use it. As she tries to work her way through the Morelli case, Plum collects two other bounties. An old man, who was arrested for walking around naked, oh and he also, just so happens to live in Plums building. (What a coinsurance, huh?) By this time she has considered Morelli’s car, with the help of Ranger, and befriended some hookers, who were friends of the hooker Morelli was allegedly trying to protect. She does have one, decent bounty moment when she clotheslines one of her bonds although she did get Ranger shot, with the gun he bought her, in the process!  She also happens to piss off a half gangster/ half boxer who corners her in a MMA cage, and she is (surprise surprise) saved by a man. In this case Morelli. Plum also meets up with Jon Leguizamo, who is the owner of the gym, but we’ll get to him later.

In the end Morelli and Plum team up to help find the missing hooker and clear Morelli’s name. With Plum making him promise to let her take him in when it’s all over. They end up at this shady (and cliche) Italian meat market, that is a front for dealing heroine. They follow the market’s delivery truck and end up stumbling on to a crime scene. They find the body of the store owner, his lackey and the dead hooker. Before anyone gets too excited, the big, scary boxer man comes after them, and starts beating the snot out out of Joe Morelli. Stephanie, in true damsel fashion, can’t shoot him and instead pepper sprays him. Morelli knocks him out (see the MAN saved HER). Just as they gather their senses Plum turns the corner and walks into John Leguizamo, which of course doesn’t concern her at all! Now if Leguizamo’s involvement was suppose to be a surprise, they really should have cast a different actor. I know Leguizamo isn’t exactly a bit ticket these days, but still, there was no way he was just some random walk on. Instead of questioning what he was even doing there, she takes him over to the truck, thinking he’s there to help. Instead he pulls a gun on them and forces Plum to handcuff Morelli to the truck. He, of course, confesses everything and gets ready to shoot everyone, when Stephanie finally grows some lady balls and empties her gun in his chest.

Instead of letting Joe go and having a sweet, we’re alive kiss, Plum locks him in the truck and takes him into the station. Although, they were able to prove his innocence and his honor was restored! Oh, and Leguizamo (a guy who probably knows his way around a gun) miraculously happened to only clip Plum in the ass. She’s fine, she gets her money, saving herself from poverty and getting a ride home from the hansom Rider. Although, just when you think they might get together, who shows up, but Joe Morelli with a cupcake. So there you go folks, I just saved you 105 tireless minutes.

"Cupcake" was Joe's pet name for Stephanie throughout the movie

So in the end Kathrine Heigl hasn’t gotten any less irritating and this not romantic-comedy, wannabe murder-mystery was not worth the money I would have spent had my LOVELY Godmother not offered to pay. There wasn’t enough romance for a traditional rom-com, and not enough suspense or intrigue to be a murder-mystery. So, this weeks Movie Madness with me, The Movie Junky, gets a D for not only failing to keep my interest, but capture it in the first place.

[Top Movies of 2011 to be posted before the Oscars!]

(Let me know if there is any movie you’d like my opinion on! New or old!)

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About the Movie Junky

I am a movie junkie, movies are my drug and I am addicted.
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